Very afraid to go social, changing mind.

I have been facing a constant problem in focusing on anythingsince 12 th . I never had much friends nor was very comfortable in public .i am very afraid to go out of home .i get irritated very easily no fixed decision .very big fear of being criticized and letting down parents. I am very comfortable when i am alone but in public i feel like just running away .i have twitchings blushing anf get very uncomfortable but try to show i am normal. When i am alone i am comfortable.i am constantly having sucidal thoughts and sometimes i really get scuidal .i am able to use logic sometimes but lot of times it fails with me. I am alone and calm now but situations changes time to time . I constantly forget things commit same mistakes again and again .speak fast fast almost other cant understand me on phone,i am really afraid of phone calls i dont pick it whenever its possible. i am now numbing my self through e novel.i am speak very less dont wanna go out of home I cant focus and really sucidal