Social anxiety. Avoid these situations.

Hie............. The behavioral problem for people with social anxiety is the tendency to avoid anxiety-provoking situations. When the socially anxious individual anticipates going to a party, she becomes quite anxiousbut, then, decides not to go and the anxiety immediately decreases. This reduction of anxiety with the decision to avoid the party (or to leave a party) reinforces avoidance (or escape). This simple reward for avoidance maintains the fear of negative social evaluation even when the person does not experience humiliation. For example, if I feel anxious thinking about approaching someone and then I decide to avoid talking with them my anxiety immediately drops. This immediate decrease in anxiety teaches me, In order to feel less anxious just avoid interacting with strangers. Good place to learn: How to Overcome Shyness A key element of CBT is to help the individual practice approaching social situations and stay in them in order to learn that nothing really bad is going to happen and that their anxiety will subside. You also learn that you can do it and the willingness simply to confront your fears is empowering. You begin to realize I am the kind of person who can actually do this kind of thing. The first step in helping people with social anxiety is to identify the situations that you are avoiding. You can make a list of the kinds of situations that you feel anxious in or avoid. For example, one person identified using a public rest room (where he was worried that people would observe him), meeting people at a party, speaking up at a meeting, and talking with a woman for the first time. What are the situations that provoke your anxiety? What are you likely to avoid? Make a list. For each situation you can identify how the situation could be rated in terms of levels of anxiety that you would experience. You can rate each anticipated behavior from 0 to 10 in terms of the level of anxiety that you might expect. 0 would correspond to no anxiety and 10 would be a panic attack. For example, the young man with the fear of meeting people at a party had the following hierarchy of fear, from least to highest: Thinking of going to the party (3), going to the party (5), walking into the room (6), seeing people in the room (6), deciding to start a conversation (8), talking with an attractive woman (9). Its important to write down your predictions so that you can find out how anxious you really are when you go. Sometimes people find that they are not as anxious as they anticipated they would be. Many people who are anxious engage in superstitious behaviors that they think make them safer or less likely to humiliate themselves. These safety behaviors include self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, holding yourself very stiffly, avoiding eye contact, holding a glass tightly saw that people wont see your hands shake, wiping your hands so that people wont notice you are sweating, rehearsing verbatim exactly what you will say, and talking very fast. The problem with safety behaviors is that they are like the training wheels on a bicycle—-they make you think that the only way you can get through these experiences is by using the training wheels. The more you can give up these behaviors the more powerful your experiences will beI did it without a drink or I did it without rehearsing everything. You are often thinking about how badly things will go. For example, you predict that you will fall apart and make a fool of yourself. You predict that everyone will notice that you are sweating—and that they will all talk about it. You think it is a catastrophe that your mind will go blank. You can challenge these thoughts by asking yourself the following: Have you really made a fool of yourself or are you just predicting the same thing over and over? Is it possible that people dont notice your sweating, because they are thinking about what they are going to say? What is the evidence that people talk about your anxiety? How do you know? Why would anyone really care if you are feeling anxious? How is it relevant to them? Have you ever noticed that someone else said, I forgot what I was going to say? Did anything terrible happen? Argue back at these negative thoughts. I know that I have been saying these things to people for years—- but people often say, Yeah, but what if my mind goes blank? So, a number of years ago I decided to fake my mind going blank. I was giving a workshop on anxiety and I decided to make-believe my mind went blank and I announced, My mind just went blank. What was I saying? As you can imagine, no one seemed to care. Why should they? What is so bad for them if your mind goes blank? In fact, it might be helpful to even exaggerate your anxious symptoms. For example, if you are afraid that people will notice that you are sweating then you can douse your shirt with water and go right in. So, people will notice you are sweating. Big deal. Ill bet that almost every day when it is warm we notice people who are sweating. Why do we forget it? Because it is irrelevant. As I mentioned in my previous post, socially anxious people often review their performance and criticize everything that they do. This post-mortem only adds to more anxiety about the next time. You can replace this post-mortem with a self-rewarding congratulation for facing your fears, doing what is difficult to do, and taking your life back one step at a time. Who deserves more congratulation than you for trying hard to confront what is difficult? Just trying, just going, just staying in, and just tolerating the discomfort are reasons for reward. Each time you face your fear you win and your fear loses. As someone who occasionally experiences social anxiety, I find your suggestions only mildly satisfying. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried suggestions like yours before (you’re not the first one to make them) but they only work for me to a certain degree. The problem with suggestions like: “Test your predictions,” and “Challenge your anxious thoughts,” is that they’re very logical, and fear doesn’t necessarily respond well to logic. I don’t necessarily care that things went better than I thought or that there was no evidence that people made fun of my idiosyncrasies. In hindsight, a social situation can still make me feel badly enough that I don’t want to go back; evidence be damned!

So I am going to tell you a deep dark secret. Assuming that any required medications have been found and dialed in properly occasionally people do get "cured" from therapy. If you get a few pints into your friendly neighborhood psychiatric professional and ask one of the ways this most commonly happens you will get a story similar to this: One day they just walk in, they look a little different but not really, just more comfortable in their skin. They will sometimes talk about reducing appointments or stopping and when asked what changed they will respond with something like "I don't know, I guess I just accept that I am what I am, and that is ok. I accept me. I'm not perfect, but I'm the best me I can be" Acceptance* (extremely verbose details below on How to achieve this) Now many of us need a guide, someone to help us navigate and evaluated, to clarify and recast etc to reach acceptance. Or you could just accept now =) This page of the book "the Key" says it best Ok, so what is acceptance? Fundamentally it's absolute unconditional love for yourself. Many ask, isn't that selfish? Actually no. Turns out that absolute acceptance of yourself is the most selfless thing you can do. Because when you feel no Needs at all, all you want to do is Give. Confused yet? You should be, I sure am. This is wacky stuff that is counter to everything most of us have been told. Ok, so here is how it works. You are the best "version" of you when you feel good, have eaten & slept well and feel _appreciated_. Under these conditions you respond to all situations better. When you feel as though your needs are being met. When you are not being the best "version" of you possible, you know. You can feel it. It's uncomfortable. This causes you to have very little patience, time or resources for anyone else. When you have needs it's hard to worry about others. Well if you are feeling nervous it means that you still care so you can't be that bad of a person. Hell you are reading all this so you obviously want to get better. (That's kinda awesome by the way). So what next you ask? Pick one thing to do tomorrow. Nothing huge, but nothing small (you can't cheat yourself) And make sure no matter what happens you get that done. After a little while add another goal and another. Keep going till you realize something. You trust You to do what you say You will. Don't overcommit. Don't set yourself up for failure. Build slowly. This can take months for some. Try to focus not just on What you do, but How you do it. Do it with some style. Do it with a grin. Have some fun with it. See how doing things while happy gets better results from you AND the people you interact with. Realize that a bad situation can be nullified or even turned around by the right reaction. Overtime you start to realize that life isn't so bad, and you are actually kinda good at it. Now if you keep going you start to realize that life is a lot more about how you react than what happens. You start to see that if you are well rested, fed, appreciated, feel good about yourself that you make Good choices. Sometimes great choices! That you try really hard. That you make the best out of amazingly bad situations. Now try a test. Wipe out all expectations for tomorrow. Imagine all the events of tomorrow are fixed. Just go through the day reacting the best way you can. Play out each scene being the best You that you can. Feels pretty good huh? So if you can trust yourself and love yourself through absolute acceptance of yourself what then? You can slowly start being your .... biggest fan! You can start rooting for yourself. ( gasp!) Start helping yourself to succeed. Realize that you want to be awesome and _deserve_ to be awesome. You can start defending your bed time, start prioritizing eating and exercise with kids and dogs and significant others etc. Start setting yourself up to win. But that's selfish right? NO!! Selfish is...(more) Downvote Share Princess Clark-Wendel Princess Clark-Wendel Thank you! You are pretty awesome and I'm so grateful that I was so awesome to stumble upon your ... 3 more comments from Teresa Morris, Andrés Parzanese, Carol Allred Andrew Chan Andrew Chan, B.S.c Software Engineering & Psychology, University of Nottingham (2016) Answered Jul 8, 2017 Understanding Social Anxiety Social anxiety is more than just shyness or fear. Social anxiety begins with a fear of being judged negatively and results in self-consciousness and avoidance of social situations. Many people with social anxiety disorder often avoid situations which make them feel as though others will notice their anxiety and they will become humiliated. Social anxiety disorder leaves a high risk for substance abuse and depression due to attempts at trying to self-medicate. If you are experiencing social anxiety or feel as though you may have social anxiety and would like to seek treatment, visit your primary care physician for more options. You may also take the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale (LSAS) to assess the way social phobia may be affecting your life. Managing Your Social Anxiety i) Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy One of the most important things you can do is work with a therapist. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has proven to be an effective alternative to drug therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapists focus on your behavior and what you are thinking to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts, and negative behavior into positive behavior. The most common behavior problem for people with social anxiety is avoidance. Many will avoid situations in which their anxiety is provoked. Working with a CBT helps the individual approach social situations to realize that nothing bad is going to happen, this reduces anxious feelings. It also creates a personality for the person to face her fears and realize that her fears do not control her. ii) Create a Hierarchy of Fear This is another way to face your fears and take back control of your life. Creating a hierarchy of fears is a technique that allows you to recognize the things that give you anxiety. It works by creating a list of all the things that give you anxiety and ranking them in order of least anxiety provoking to most anxiety provoking. Then, beginning with the least anxiety-provoking occasion or behavior, you expose yourself to it. As you master each item on your list, you move up the “ladder” until you can participate in the most anxiety provoking occasion or behavior without anxiety symptoms. Eliminate Safety Behaviors Many people with social anxiety have created safety behaviors that attempt to suppress their anxious feelings and create less humiliation. These types of behaviors vary from complete avoidance of situations, avoidance of eye contact, and extreme use of drugs and alcohol to conversation rehearsal and fast-talking. These behaviors are used to eliminate the anxiety that occurs from everyday situations which normally cause extreme stress in individuals with social anxiety disorder. The belief here is that these behaviors will “save” the individual. The problem with these behaviors is that they become a mechanism and a lifestyle in which a person believes the only way to get through certain situations is by performing the behavior. Meditation and Mindfulness Meditation is a popular technique for reducing the feelings of anxiety, stress and other tensions. Meditation is an amazing way to calm down, focus your mind, and center your thoughts. Practicing breathing techniques can help relax your mind and body, and stop those thoughts that are racing and raising your anxiety. Meditation is not as complicated as it sounds. There are plenty of guided meditation video clips and audio across the internet. It is important when meditating to do so in a quiet place, away from distractions, while keeping your eyes closed to further block out any disturbances. You can notice a tremendous difference in your mental health through as little as 10 minutes of meditation a day. Mindfulness is the practice of being aware and doing nothing about it, paying attention on purpose, and being in the present moment non-judgmentally. This means feeling your anxiety and not shutting it off. It is paying attention to every thought, emotion, and sensation your body feels. It takes practice but it is not impossible. Mindfulness allows your body to build emotional tolerance as well as allows you to choose your reaction. Permitting uncomfortable feelings to come and then choosing how to deal with them gives you power over anxiety and not anxiety power of you. Practice Self-Love and Self-Acceptance Humiliation plays a leading role in social anxiety, and safety behaviors are sometimes used to try to eliminate humiliating experiences. Being yourself and accepting who you are is a sure way to manage the self-esteem aspect of social anxiety. It is safe to say that negative self-esteem can stir feelings of anxiety in social situations. If you don’t think highly of yourself you won’t expect others to either. Low self-esteem may also cause you to believe any negative thoughts accompanied with your anxiety. The best way to get rid of these negative thoughts and feelings about yourself is to change them into positive ones! Embrace the things that make you unique, the good and the bad. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses but don’t let them interfere with how valuable or worthwhile you see yourself. Explore the parts of yourself that you are not able to accept, and pass no judgment on yourself. You are your hardest critic so it is important to be kind to yourself and love yourself, flaws and all.